it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
