I'm gonna have a badass scar
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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