Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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