I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
