I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
did i walk over a car last night?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize