Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
