u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
