I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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