you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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