If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
