seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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