wat bout pragnant strippers??
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
