Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
