Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
