I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
