mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
