Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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