It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
