My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There's always time for handjobs
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
