if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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