yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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