When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
