so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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