after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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