Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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