she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
