Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
