my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
