I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
