We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
