A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
