Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
