There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize