if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
