Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize