my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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