I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
