I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
