can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just forgot I was standing up.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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