I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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