I can text with my tongue
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
