so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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