I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
How does one acquire holy water?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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