btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
