things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
