Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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