My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
