just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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