If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
