I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
