i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
