I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
