like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
