My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize