he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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