yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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