I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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