What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
