I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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