Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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