he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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