I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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