Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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